I stumbled across the following website, and found it to be very interesting after the writing I posted below:

http://www.boundless.org/regulars/office_hours/a0000958.html

“Your eye is the lamp of the body. When your eyes are good, your whole body also is full of light.  But when they are bad, your body also is full of darkness.” (Luke 11: 34)

            Recently I was sitting on my couch. It was before school started. I didn’t feel very pretty in the moment.  I felt the allusions made and unspoken judgments from guys floating in my head.  I thought maybe the reason I was sitting there alone was because I wasn’t pretty enough.  Those quick thoughts were what came to mind—I could have dwelled on them, and let my spirit turn dark and bitter, but I didn’t.  I sat very peacefully and content, actually.  I accepted who I was in this moment I was in, and I accepted the worth that God has granted all of us, and I dwelled on that instead.  As I was thinking about faith and desires and society and images and growth, I looked outside at the plants on my porch.  I asked God if I was ever going to get married. My eyes welled up just a little.  I was looking at the tomato plant on the porch as I asked this. I was asked a question in response: if you were to water your tomato plant tonight, would you have tomatoes tomorrow? My answer was no, of course.  Jesus always taught through metaphors, and often answered questions with questions: He still does.  No, if I watered the plant I was not going to suddenly wake up to tomatoes tomorrow, because the flowers were still forming, and the fruit was still to come.  So, I had to accept this.  And, in fact, I also had to accept that if I tried to speed the process up by watering the plant too much, it could actually kill the plant.  Growth takes time.  I continued sitting there calmly looking at the plants, and God gave me another reminder: I was being prepared for marriage.  I realized that He had been given me a new bed, a car that could hold a family; I’ve learned to cook more interesting food, and I work alongside various people at work and am continuing to learn to show love through sharing and giving through teaching and work. So, I had to smile.  Everything was and is right on track. Silly me for losing sight of this. And, I felt very content. 

“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”

(Hebrews 11: 1)

            Recently I found myself torn on whether to watch or not to watch the opening ceremonies of the 2008 Olympics held in Beijing, China.  My whole life I have loved the Olympics and always look forward to watching as much as I can.  This year, however, at the last minute, I felt something in my soul being tugged. It was because I had clicked on something that had led to me reading something, and all the sudden I had more knowledge.  I had knowledge that perhaps this government that was responsible for putting on this big production, wasn’t worthy of being supported, and I was left, torn.  All day I kept changing my mind. Originally I was going to have friends over to watch the ceremonies, but I canceled that.  Then I called my mom to tell her she could come over.  Then I called her again, at the last minute, and said that she could still come over, but that I was not going to be able to watch the ceremonies after all.  I had asked God to open up my eyes as I watched the ceremonies, and as I watched and took notes, He did just that.  The excited, peaceful feelings that were usually evoked in me when watching opening ceremonies in the past, were replaced with a strange emotion.  Near the beginning I turned the TV off, and right afterwards I looked at the clock on my cell phone: It said 8:08pm. What are the odds?

            As I listened to the announcers, and watched the screen, here is what I saw and heard.  I heard the announcer saying that in the moment most of the world was “focused on China.” I thought, no, this is not my MAIN focus, and I kept watching, knowing that much of the world was being distracted by this mesmerizing event, and I wondered.  Clips were shown of China and it was stated that ½ billion people living in China strive to survive off of $2.00 a day.  Five million people are homeless, due largely to the recent heart breaking earthquake.  Far removed from this statement was another statement that said that hosting the Olympics had cost 40 billion dollars.  300 million dollars was spent on the Opening ceremonies alone.  Surely I heard something wrong. Surely I wasn’t been shown this horrific realization on the human condition.  Unless you are blind, the statistics don’t need further explanation.  I was alarmed at what I was seeing right in front of me.  But, the whole world was glued on this extraordinary ceremony, supposedly.  I bet some in the very country it was being held weren’t.  I thought of Tibet.  I thought of persecuted Christians. I thought about communism.  I thought about the innocent girls given away because they can not carry the family name.  I thought of a book I had read recently. I thought of the earthquake and the calamities, and watched the seemingly spectacular show going on in front of me, and I started to feel very uncomfortable watching it.

            But, I hadn’t turned it off yet, and I saw 2008 male drummers.  I saw the machine. I understood. I was watching a machine.  I was watching humans acting as soldiers of a human commander. I saw robots moving in exact rhythm.  I saw a communist society. I saw one big machine.  I remembered the book I had recently read about an unwanted Chinese daughter.  I saw President Bush and his wife smiling, amidst the fireworks and spectacles being shown. I thought how funny it was that soldiers were simultaneously dying as he sat there smiling.  I saw the president of the Olympic committee, looking as uncomfortable as I was feeling, and sitting next to the Chinese president.  I saw pictures of the Chinese president in the background in strange moments, like a picture of a false god.  I saw strange things, and the moment I turned the TV off, I felt peace.  God showed me things that made me uncomfortable and I had to look away.

            Did I judge all of my friends and family who watched the Opening Ceremonies? No- of course not.  Had I never asked to be shown certain things, my eyes would have remained blind, most likely, and I would have innocently enjoyed the awe-inspiring event like much of the world.  When it comes to following the Way there are some very black and white truths, although false doctrines try to persuade people otherwise, but there are some truths that remain divided, neither good, nor bad, in the middle.  It doesn’t make the Word unreliable or changed or confusing.  It’s really simple.  Most people, without question, in America, at least, follow the rules at stop lights.  At a red light people stop, and at a green light, people go.  However, there is that yellow light.  Usually whether to stop or go at a yellow light is left up to the keen judgment of the driver in the situation. This is another truth that God has opened my eyes to, and reminded me of.

“One man considers one day more sacred than another; another man considers every day alike.  Each one should be fully convinced in his (or her) own mind.  He who regards one day as special, does so to the Lord.  He who eats meat, eats to the Lord, for he gives thanks to God; and he who abstains, does so to the Lord and gives thanks to God.  For none of us lives to himself (or herself) alone.  If we live, we live to the Lord; and if we die, we die to the Lord. So, whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.”  (Romans 14: 5-8)

            I was looking at friends’ status updates on Face book today, and I had to smile when I saw two respectable, married guys around the same age’s updates.  They were both written on Thursday, and apparently around the same time, because one was right on top of the other.  The first one believed:  “Obama is a great orator but that is about all I believe. “  The next one urged: “everyone towards Barrack Obama and hope. “  Was one more right then the other? This might sound strange, but I think it is a yellow light issue.  I think they both mean what they say, and they are both, in their hearts, right.   

            It is obvious to me that Obama is going to be our next president.  I won’t lie and say, that much to the dismay of half of my friends on Face book; I’m somewhat excited about this.  It’s not because I think he is perfect, or that he hasn’t told any lies. It’s not because I agree with everything he stands for. But, there are reasons for my excitement.  Maybe it’s because of his very ordinary look, and floppy ears.  Maybe because it IS time for us, in this country made up of MANY people, to have more then another rich, Caucasian president.  Maybe it is because I identify with Obama, because I, too, have lived in countries besides the United States of America. Maybe it's because I much prefer the platform of “Change” to that of “Country First.” Maybe it’s because I know Southern Baptist, Christian, and White, rich presidents somehow are just NOT equal in my mind, and I very clearly remember NOT voting for President Bush for this very reason.  Maybe it’s because I follow the footsteps of my dad, who served in Vietnam, and prefer peaceful resolutions to war.  Maybe it’s the shadow of the Reverend Martin Luther King, Jr.  and how he fought for freedom without using violence—and yet, he still died for his cause.  That’s a man who served his country. Maybe it’s because the women and men who lived by an extreme faith and were celebrated in Hebrews 11 also had this written about them: “All these people were still living by faith when they died. They did not receive the things promised; they only saw them and welcomed them from a distance.” From a distance, a man who had faith, saw what was to come, the historical speech given by Obama years after King’s “I Have a Dream” speech.  Jesus died for the world. Maybe I like talking and thinking about more then just America. Maybe I appreciate the whole world. Maybe it’s because Obama spoke in my birth place.  Maybe it’s because I wanted to be there also giving a speech.  Maybe it’s because with all the hype over Obama’s racist preacher and past connections, some wanted to forget about McCain’s past, including his relations with women. Maybe it’s because I watched McCain say with her own mouth that she and McCain had lied to each other about their age before marriage, and some how I’m not sure about someone who finds lying humorous. 

            Maybe, ultimately, though, I am excited, because when I look at Obama, this distant figure, who has had to become comfortable with the celebrity attention he has been given, he reminds me of someone.  I don’t think he is the perfect one for the job, but I don’t think McCain is either.  I understand clearly people’s reasons for voting for Obama, and understand clearly, how because of certain morals, people will vote for McCain. I am pro-life.  But, that’s why I didn’t vote for Bush. You figure that one out. Iraq. But things will continue to be set in the place, with whoever wins. I almost feel this content distance from the election, watching others get excited and angry, kind of like the Opening Ceremonies.  Maybe because I see that the world will continue as planned, and maybe it will be because of the one world order that has been predicted long ago, and maybe there was a reason I saw on the news a German interviewed after Obama’s speech saying, “He’s my next Messiah.”  Not because I believe that, no. But, because I know things are to come. Maybe it is also significant that a lady has been elected to be the vice-presidential candidate, 88 years, also near the date of when women were given the right to vote.  It’s all significant and interesting. But, I hope, that when we pick our stands, instead of thinking the dem in democrat stands for demonic and the rep in republican stands for repulsive, we will take off our blinders. 

               I hope that we will see things as God sees them, and see the world, not just the United States of America. Paul was a Roman citizen, but when he saw the light, he became a citizen of something far greater.  This is what is most important, and yes, it should influence our every decision.  But, could it be, that we are all looking at this through different lenses? Could it be that both sides are partially wrong, and both sides are partially right?

            Last year I attended a conference for educators called Closing the Gap.  One of the seminars I attended challenged the Caucasians in attendance to really consider a scenario and discuss whether the teacher had treated the student unfairly because of the “sunglasses” (symbolic, of course) he was, perhaps naively, wearing.  It was a very interesting discussion and got me thinking about all the sunglasses we naively wear when it comes to accepting others and the prejudgments we make. People that are “different” are too often seen by others wearing predetermined sunglasses. In fact, just recently, a student walked into my room, and looked almost identical to one of the tyrannical nightmares of a student I had had last year.  It was in that moment that I told myself to take off the sunglasses. I’m glad I did, because this new student is nothing like the student of last year.

            So, this reflection that I have avoided writing, and told God that I didn’t want to write, is simply a call to everyone, including myself, to take off the blinders that cover up our eyes from seeing truth that is right in front of us, whatever that may be.

               I look forward to new things that will be revealed to me in the coming months.

                It’s that time again.  I’ve completed my third year of teaching at Midwood High School (http://www.charlotte.com/breaking_news/story/665542.html), the sliding door is open on the porch, and the warm, evening summer air filters through as I listen to sounds of birds chirping happily in the background.  It feels familiar, but there’s been growth, and death. Outside trees that were always green are dying. Maybe because of the drought we are experiencing in North Carolina, maybe they have a disease.  But although the trees are brown, and are sad to look at, there is still green grass, and a bird perched on top of one of the brown trees, whistling away, reminding me of a beautiful dream that God gave me after a difficult stage of life, and reminding me of hope and promises and life that comes from death. 

It’s still ironic to me that North Carolina ended up experiencing such a drought, because just last year, at the end of June, I had the scariest drive of my life. But, it was a drive of trust. God wasn’t caught off guard by any of it.  God has ways of reminding us that He has the course mapped out for us, we just have to trust and follow Him. The more that we are in tune with Him, the more we will be able to recognize these moments that are really beautiful signs and reminders to look to the ONE who holds the whole world in His hands.  In those moments fear is replaced with a clinging trust. The story on the way to the wedding rehearsal, I already told in another blog.  That was story of trust, part 1.  But, the drive home away from the rehearsal was part 2.  You see, it was one of my roommates from college’s wedding rehearsal.  We had just finished the lovely dinner.  We all decided to go outside in the cool evening air for dessert.  Then it started raining. It was dark by then too, as it was about 9pm or so. So, we all went home .

  I was about 30 minutes away from where I was staying at my friend’s home in Boone.  It was dark, very dark. I was driving in my little, getting tired Ford Escort, which only had only had one headlight working for a couple of months, because I had just gotten it fixed two times in a row, and just got frustrated when it had stopped working again.  It was raining hard. I started the drive, slowly, around the unfamiliar curves of the mountains, and the rain only came down harder.  There weren’t many cars around, but when a car would come, it would be a big SUV or truck and the lights would blind my vision in the rain, and splash water everywhere further masking my already blurred view.  It was foggy too, did I mention that? I may not be able to describe in a detail that allows you to really believe how scary this drive was—but trust me on this: it was.  Especially when the water started collecting in downhill spots and my car would actually sway a little in the water.  I remember thinking: ya, so it’s kind of scary when your car is supposed to go a certain way, but the water is making it go another way.  During the scariest, curviest, darkest, foggiest part of the trip, it began to feel very strange. I couldn’t even see a foot in front of me, and couldn’t tell if I was within the lines half the time.   The way that I could hardly see, made me feel almost like I was driving into a dream.  My phone was beside me.  I actually was having the thought that I may be calling my parents to tell them good bye.  It was that scary. I imagined that after all the rain stopped, I might be found on the side of the road… I considered stopping when it got to the part where the streets were flooding….but I had come so far on this journey, just a little bit longer, just a little bit longer, and I’d be home: Safe. 

 But, see, God wasn’t caught off guard by any of this, in fact, He knew all along this would be happening to me, and wanted it to.  You see, it didn’t take but a few seconds on this drive that I was left clinging to the creator--- I began speaking to God out loud: “Please, Jesus, please let the rain die down, please Jesus, please bring me home safely, please Jesus, please bring me to safety, Please Jesus, please help, Please Jesus, I need you….   “

 And you know what happened? The head light that hadn’t worked for a couple of months suddenly blinked on—no lie. God allowed it to come back on to make the path a little clear. God brought light. The rain didn’t die down right away—but, instead, I just kept clinging to God—every inch, every foot in front of me that I couldn’t see, I just kept clinging to God...

{ How amazing would it be if we didn’t wait until desperate circumstances to cling to God like that!? Imagine the things we’d notice, and the faith we’d be given…}

As I drove, I heard this question from God: “Do you trust me?”  No, it wasn’t audible. But, I know who it was coming from.  And I answered, “I trust you, Jesus, I trust you.”

And He brought me to Boone, and to my friend’s home safely, and with a lot of things to think about. The next day I caught the bouquet for the first time (considering how many weddings I’ve been in and gone to) at my old roommate’s wedding.

I was really having a desire to be married, and was ready to just meet someone.  But, God wanted me to trust Him more.

I didn’t know then that despite my desire to be in a relationship with a guy, I would be promising God this school year not to date anyone.  Sometimes God brings people into our lives only for moments to influence us, or bring us a little further on the journey. Some friends we have for life. Some friends we loose.  But, regardless, there is a reason people come into our lives, and things happen.  I still remember when someone counseled me that I wouldn’t be ready to be married until I was ready to live without a husband.  It was tough but good advice.  I really needed to get to a point in my life where I let go of everything, EVERYTHING! And, when you’ve dreamed of being a wife and a mom for as long as you can remember, those are hard desires to let go of—but, I finally came to a point where I realized I needed to trust God completely, to trust Him with everything.  So, it was in July when I wrote a poem about all of that, and I began writing these blogs and letting everything out.  Last summer turned into such a beautiful summer, as I allowed Jesus to become my best friend again.  I trusted Him. And, on July 16^th last year, I finally just gave up. I promised God I wouldn’t date anyone this year.  It's not that I was dating anyone, but I gave God what I really desired—a close, healthy relationship with a man that loves Him.  I gave Him those desires---

I haven’t been perfect.  Sure, I’ve had moments where I’ve thought, hmmm, he would be nice…about guys….i’ve thought things I shouldn’t…but overwhelmingly God has been my friend. I’ve written prayer letters to him almost every day over the course of this year. I don’t write that to boast. I write that to tell you how beautiful it’s been. I have found renewed contentment. I have had weak moments, but they have been fewer then in the past, and in all but a couple of circumstances , I have dealt with them a lot better then I did in the year before, when I struggled with a dark depression.  God has so blessed me this year, and has hopefully allowed me to be a blessing to friends and family and at school.  I am continually amazed by simple things that have no other explanation but God.  I am so thankful for all that He has given me.  I am so thankful for all that He has taught me. I am so thankful for new beginnings.

Another significant marker on my journey last year was July 16^th, last year, when I drove to Asheville and back to pray for a conference that would be held this year.  It was a disappointing journey, as it rained that whole trip as well--- but it was a journey meant to be.  I never would have known or heard about a conference going on there if it hadn’t been for this little spark planted in my head long ago that said I have to know—I have to know what I believe about… and then I was tested…and the anguished curiosity drove me to research and rent movies and observe and think and cry and pray and suddenly, suddenly, I found it. I found this site, and this light just flooded over me.  And, I remember  then reading about this conference, and I remember wanting this co-worker, this friend that I loved, I remember how much I wished in my heart that he could go to this, and I remember praying, and I remember thinking if he could just go to this, and ….

The funny thing is, it’s me who’s going. After all that searching, and misery (really—it turned into misery, and I just wanted out)... I remember that website and I remember the burdens that were lifted, and I remember light, and I remember how I got e-mails about conference updates, and I thought, well, why would I belong there, I didn’t make someone change, I made someone hate me, and I would get the e-mails, and then last summer, on the same day that I was going to Freedom Park to watch an outdoor movie with my friend Jessica, I got the e-mail—the e-mail that said the freedom conference was going to be held in Asheville the next summer, and joy filled my soul so big I can’t even explain it but I started jumping up and down and praising God, and this conference, I mean, I don’t struggle even with what most of the people coming do or have struggled with, and yet there is some familiarity because I still have those occasional angry moments where I forget that I trusted God with this year, and my life, and I compare myself to others and why have they had these deep, intimate relationships and I’ve had nothing, and I get angry, and for one second everything I desire will slip and I’ll let myself imagine…but, it’s not me, and oh do I cry and beg God for forgiveness, and I can almost hear my future husband whispering to me, saying: "stop it…why are you thinking that? That’s not want you want, and you know how beautiful marriage between a man and woman is," and from a million angles I do, from a million angles, God did not take away the desire to be married, like I was afraid He might—

Instead, he enforced that desire.  As I watched students getting pregnant, students from broken homes, students getting in fights because they long for that male figure in their life… I saw that marriage is missing in society…I saw the stage of emergency or society is living in…I was awakened to the trash and lies being poured into people’s souls from TV and ads and peer pressure, and I saw teachers, and for a second I would feel jealous, maybe, of their boyfriends/ girlfriends, but then I thought about how it’s not just the students; it’s teachers who’ve given up on marriage and the beauty of one of the most beautiful metaphors on earth…

And my desires to be a wife and a mom weren’t taken away—they’ve been made stronger, in fact.  And, so, I still dream… and I don't just dream of myself. I want the faith in marriage to be restored in the society we're living in.

And, I dream of dinners, and slowly things are being shaped….slowly God is allowing me to hang out with guys again.  God is showing me that there are strong men out there.  God is teaching me, slowly, to trust guys again. God is allowing me to have people over for dinners and brunch and other random occasions. God is answering my desires because I am trusting in Him more, and so His desires are becoming my desires. And, in July a bible study will start, and various friendships will continue to blossom and grow and life will continue, and another wonderful year on the journey will begin…

I will go to the freedom conference in Asheville in July. I’ve had moments where I’ve thought—well, why should I go?—I don’t belong there—I  should just forget about all of that stuff...  But, God has brought me too far. We all have things we struggle with and need to let go of.  When I drove there last summer, one of the songs that played, when I was in right in the city of Asheville and the rain was pouring, was Newsboy’s “Million Pieces.”  Like several songs, that became a significant song, and through writing in this blog, and friendships, and prayers, other personal growth, I am on my way to letting a million pieces fall away into God’s hands…

Climbing up the mountain, at the top, I am letting go of the heavy loads I’ve been carrying.  And, with nothing weighing me down and making me feel like a stick slumping over, worthless, and undesired by men--- I can breathe in deep the fresh mountain air, stand up TALL, close my eyes, and find freedom. And, that’s why I must go to this conference—for that moment.  To feel that moment of being wrapped in the complete security of the arms of a completely trustworthy God who loves us more then we’ll  ever understand or imagine.

And before that, I hope to finish the class I never finished last summer, if it's God's will—even if I can’t continue the master’s program right now, completion is good. It’s necessary for us to be able to let go and move on in life.

So, the problems of this world are not to scare us.  They are only problems waiting for solutions, and God gives us the power to make differences.  Even though Satan is seemingly doing a good job at brainwashing millions (or should I say billions?) of people into believing a million lies (some so crazy we would gasp if we understood) through the media and the love of money and other lusts—there is ONE who is bigger. His name is Jesus, and He died so that we may have life, and have it abundantly. Because of Him, there is nothing to fear.  Troubles of this world are momentary—the test scores that felt so disappointing after a long, hard year and made me cry—just momentary. The floods and earthquakes—momentary.  The extreme heartbreaks, the physical limitations, the questions we don’t understand—momentary.

I know it’s easier said (and written) then done—but we don’t have to understand, all we have to do is Trust the ONE who holds this perfect plan—these plans being schemed by us, these plans being schemed by Satan, by the billionaires that secretly start wars and allow innocent people to die—God is not caught off guard for one single moment by any of it--- and HIS plan continues—

I remember last Father’s Day, sitting on the lawn outside of South Park, with thousands of others, next to my parents.  I remember loving the feeling of being outside and seeing all the people, and listening to the conductor talk—He has a lot of character, and I remember looking at this group of young adults sitting on a blanket drinking wine, and eating snacks—I remember the natural ache I felt as I watched them, and felt like a little girl sitting next to her mommy and daddy. I remember telling God that I needed more.  I remember walking back to the car, and me walking ahead of my parents, and being really frustrated, but not really being able to express it…..

But, God knows even our deepest aches and desires, and I had forgotten about that scene until a week ago, and yesterday on Father’s Day, I found myself at the same place, sitting outside in the fresh summer air, except I was sitting around with a group friends…

If God knows us so well, that He even knows the aches that we hide from others, then why don’t we just trust Him a little more? And, I continue to speak to myself on that.  What is there to be afraid of?

Nothing.    

 The journey can be hard—the growing moments can be lonely.  They can be confusing. They don’t always make sense in our little worlds. But, our worlds are only one, tiny part of the big, BIG WORLD—The ultimate story, and once we see that beautiful, tapestry that’s being woven all together—we begin to realize, that a bump isn’t going to stop us.  Instead the bumps are being purposely planted and they are forming a beautiful pattern that we will be able to see when the tapestry is complete.

 Not being able to see in dark, flooding rain—that won’t stop us either. Because when we trust Him: there’s no turning back.

To God be the glory. I can feel when He speaks through me—this wasn’t just me writing. How could it be? I haven’t even finished the paper for that class last summer…

Here's a website I like for young adults, that I've been reading over the couple of months:

www.boundless.org